Let’s not mince words.
I love(d) being single.
And not from the point of ‘I love having the freedom to play the field and to go to bed with anyone who finds me remotely attractive’.
‘Go to bed with’.
What a lovely euphemism.
Anyway, back to being single.
As a singleton I enjoyed having an uncluttered life where if I didn’t want to turn the TV on for a night, or even for a weekend, or a week, I just wouldn’t turn the TV on for a night, or a weekend, or for a week.
If I’m going to eat chicken and pasta for three evenings on the trot, while I put my feet up on the settee, and listen to music and read a book, then I’m going to do those things.
Sometimes it’s just about not having to speak to anyone else.
Sometimes it’s about being in bed by 7pm with a good book and the radio on and a mug of hot chocolate.
Or sometimes it’s about putting my feet up on the settee and binge-watching Netflix, or films on Amazon, or DVDs.
But there are things I miss(ed), and sometimes being not single becomes an attractive state.
Having someone to talk to because sometimes I wanted to talk to someone.
Or having someone to go to the cinema with, and discuss the film over a drink afterwards.
I really miss that one, when I’m single.
Or having someone to come to a gig with, because the best new band in the world is on within a hundred miles and I really want to go and see them!
And then there’s the ‘going to bed’ thing.
Sexual gratification via masturbation is very acceptable, and easy to access, but although it is handy gratification in a scratching-an-itch kind of way, it isn’t real actual sex.
I enjoy the real actual sex.
I enjoy the actual masturbation too, because in my head I have a cast of thousands (!) and the only rules are the somewhat shady limits of my own imagination.
But I enjoy doing rude things with someone else just a little more.
So we go dating.
We (and I don’t really enjoy these words) ‘hook up’.
Tinder, Match/MatchAffinity, PoF, Elite Singles, eHarmony, Bumble, OKCupid, we know the names, right?
And we probably know the players, yeah?
The trouble is, just like a Princess has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her Prince, there are a lot of players out there, on the other end of those dating apps.
So when I have a few moment I’m going to share just some of the dating insights from the last time I was single.
Not cautionary tales, just actual tales.